Growing Up

It is custom to the lebanese elders to perform some visits to their friends or grandchildren. Ever since I was a kid, both my grandmothers came to our house on a weekly basis. At first, these visits were the high point of my week since my grandmothers snuck me some candy which they had in their purse and which my mom forbid me to eat. The question that I kept asking myself when I was a kid, who didn’t discover the world, is where did my grandmother get so much candy, and why did she put it in her purse. Is she like willy wonka? Does she have a secret chocolate factory hidden in her house along with a bunch of umpa lumpas? I performed several searches of her house but I didn’t come up with anything, she was cleverer than I suspected. As I grew up, I started noticing something that I overlooked before; whenever we offered my grandma some chocolate or some hard candy she would take it as it is and put it in her purse. At first I thought that she would eat it later at home but then I came to the conclusion that represents the sad reality. All the chocolate that I had as a kid, were given to her by other people, and our chocolate will be offered to some strangers. From now on whenever she offers me candy I ask her about the latest time she got out of her house, just to estimate the time this chocolate spent in her purse. Like I said, as a kid I enjoyed those visits, but as I grew up they started to cause me more discomfort. Every visit is accompanied by some nagging on my looks; why don’t I shave, by some nagging on the fact that I do not call her on a daily basis, by some nagging on her maid,… I have problems of my own which are far from being solved, I don’t mind listening to her but since it is the same topics of conversation week in and week out I find these visits a little dull. Another thing that elder people do is whenever someone who they knew, even for the shortest period of time dies they wear black for 40 days. While she was young my grandma was quite popular, and now all her friends are leaving us due to diseases or other miscellaneous reasons so this means that I haven’t seen my grandmother wearing anything other than black for a full year. At first I thought that it was hard for her all her friends dying, but once I asked her why she was wearing black this time, she told me that the daughter of the man who owns the mini-market from where they buy their groceries have died. I told her that it was a little bit extreme but then she told me that what if she crosses this man and she wasn’t wearing black, it would be awkward. Correct me if I’m wrong but I do not find it right to mourn on some person who we didn't even know.

There is something that I do not understand in our parents and grandparents, why is it that they find it so hard to send a message on the cell phone? You merely have to follow a set of lousy instructions to get there. We did it; and it is not like we have a divine technologic power that enables us to see through the software. There is nothing easier than sending a message but they find it so hard to understand that “create a new message” means to create a new message. This is not a generalization but a critique of the minority who suffers from SMS syndrome.

Here is a habit that I find hilarious in our current Lebanese society. Whenever someone is at our house for a visit they stay for an hour or so. The first 30 to 40 minutes are intense with conversation but then the dialogue starts to move slowly until it reaches a total stop, and that is when the visitors signal that they will leave. As they get to the elevator door, accompanied by the host of course or else it would not be honorable, all subjects start flowing and the most interesting debate takes place all of this and the visitor is holding the elevator door open completely ignoring the fact that other people might want to use the lift. This much interesting debate finds no end, until it is ruptured by someone banging against the elevator door on a different floor screaming and shouting. It is at that moment that we realize that we were holding the elevator for about 10 min. We let the elevator go as the visitor is too ashamed to go in it and face the rage of the person who started claiming his right from the top of his lungs.

Let us not forget that in a few years we will be like them, in this judgmental and narrow minded fashion. 

Ach8afieh

It has been 20 years that I live in Achrafieh; the heart of Beirut, and I must say that there are some ups and downs to it. First of all let us look at the glass as half full. Achrafieh really has a lot to offer, it is the center of everything that a young Lebanese might find entertaining, let us start with ABC who offers a wide range of shopping, movies and restaurants. But if you are in the mood of clubbing there is Gemmayze who is 15 min away on foot or 40 min by car. Everything is within walking distance so if you are taking a stroll in Achrafieh you can spare yourself the trouble of driving. But there is also a downside, the traffic jams caused by misplaced traffic lights, cabs, … the car horns are the symphony to which every resident wakes up in the morning or from an afternoon nap. This is my regular weekday in Achrafieh:

The smell of gasoline wakes me up

Car horns honking never stops

I am a little late, I race to my car

Cause a little delay may take me far

It’s pointless I didn’t beat the rush

Now my patience will be crushed  

There are traffic jams on every street

I know I’ll spend 2 hours in my driver seat

Accusations and insults are in every mutter

Tension is so sharp it could slice butter

I somehow get to college on time

But on the way back there was a crime

Because my patience was killed and my money stolen

Throughout the journey my gas pointer has fallen

Salvation is near, I can see my place

But the curse isn’t over there is no parking space

I am doomed to circle the streets of this city

And hope that someday, the government will feel pity

And save me from my misery

That is known as Achrafieh.

Enough talking about the city per se, because there is more to Achrafieh than roads, cars and buildings. There are the inhabitants, Achrafieh is known for being the nest of snobs, well that is a typical Lebanese stereotype which is built on a false observation. Achrafieh is divided into many groups, and here are some of the most known:

1-the sassinists: they are a bunch of male teenagers who sit around sassine square (considered as the heart of achrafieh) eating dried pumpkin seeds (bezer). They stand there in their freshly bought moccasin (from Massimo dutti of course) and a blazer that matches with their belt and socks near an ATM machine. The reason they stand near an ATM machine is if a girl shows any interest in them they can quickly withdraw some money.

2-the Snobs: they are this army of aishti buying, Louis vuiton carrying and Sandro wearing girls who lose their identity to a series of brands and become some sort of walking commercial to this high class store. They do not pick an item by the fact that it is beautiful or not, but by the name of the brand it carries ignoring the fact that all our clothing from Armani to Arnani that we buy from ABC or burj hammoud are manufactured in china. I do not encourage piracy, but I am saying that it is ridiculous to be wearing clothes which combined can be the price of a car.

3-the tantes: they are probably the most popular inhabitants of achrafieh, they are this series of elderly women who speak French, a bit of Arabic and English (because it is not chic to speak Arabic) and who spend all their days at beauty salons or at each other places talking about their maids; “ je ne crois pas que celle qui travaille chez hugette a fait sa !!”, gossiping about each other “ tu a su que la fille de wadad a un peiti ami qui n’est pa libanais?!” and criticizing the new generation “ hal jil Abadan mech zabit! Ils passent tout leur temps 3al fessebook”.

Finally, one can say that living in achrafieh is like being stuck in the corner of a room full of ugly naked women except one who is on the opposite corner and who is not attracted to you. Here is why I made this comparison: it is noisy as hell, all you need is around, everyone seems to be preventing you from going where you want and when you get there you might have some trouble parking.