In the Lebanese society there are certain jokes that are
used on a daily basis by people we know.
These jokes can be verbal as well as gestural. They are the clichés of
our everyday life, we are able to anticipate them but unable to prevent them;
they are engraved in the brain of every Lebanese such as a Pavlov reflex. There
are a lot of these acts, but I will only name a few since I haven’t got all the
time in the world, nor are there enough words in the English dictionary to
attribute an adjective to each of these clichés.
One of my favorite cliché is the joke everyone makes on new
year, supposing it is the 31st of December of a random year, and you
are about to see this person for the last time for today, as he is leaving you,
and holding the elevator door while still making conversation (that is the Lebanese
way), this small grin appears on his face, you anticipate what he is about to
say but it is too late to stop him. And so it comes out; the most used up joke
in the world, the Justin Bieber music to my ears, the new moon movie to my eyes:
“I’ll see you next year “he said, and slam the door in his face I did. At least
this one is only heard one day of the year.
Another of my favorite is when you
are in a men locker room, as you want to change your clothes from casual to sportswear
everyone starts starring at you. You take off you jacket, nothing happens. You take
of your shoes, nothing happens. But at the moment you start unbuttoning your
shirt every man in the locker room starts to whistle, and they are screaming
with these high pitched voices:” lok eh !!! shala7!! “. This is still merciful compared to
what happens when one male takes off his pants, the room turns into a zoo full
of hyenas trying to feed off what little self esteem you have on those chicken
legs you call thighs.
You know how there is a different happy birthday song in
every country. Well in Lebanon one does not simply cut the cake after one happy
birthday song, he has to wait until everyone sings the four traditional
birthday songs, in English, French, Arabic and Lebanese. Even though it is the
same song in different language and each consists ONLY of saying the following words
“happy birthday” in a catching melody. The one happy birthday song that stands
out is the Lebanese version, while the other languages wish you a happy birthday;
the Lebanese version translates the love every Lebanese has for his belly,
since the song consists of saying “we want to eat cake” or in its original Lebanese:”
badna nekol gateau”.
Everyone cuts his hair, and it is a perfectly natural thing
to do. Quite frankly I am afraid to cut my hair knowing that the next day I’ll
have to go to university. There is this other Lebanese clichés that is called a
“sa7sou7”, I find myself incapable of finding its equivalent in English. Anyway,
the “sa7sou7” consists of having everyone you know pad you on the back of the
neck. Some perform a gentle pad out of respect for this “tradition”, as for the
others it is an opportunity to show off their power or their and express
themselves as the alpha male as they use this chance to give you the strongest
smack you will ever receive, really, how often do you get a chance at hitting
someone without suffering any consequences. I have absolutely no idea where,
when and how this began, and I find it ridiculous and insulting (except when I get
to hit others :p ).
Finally my all time favorite, a “funny” joke everyone pulls
ever since I got my cell phone, and every cell phone holder suffers from it. If
you are sitting with some friends and your mom calls you on your phone, as soon
as you pick up these twenty years old friends of yours suddenly loose ten years out of their
maturity and they scream:” put away that cigarette while you are talking to
your mother”, “Nicolas, it’s your turn to take a sniff of cocaine” or they
start making moaning noises as if I was having sex. Supposing I was having sex with
a girl, I would certainly not pick up the phone in the middle of things
especially if it was my mother. And supposing that for some reason I did pick
up the phone, I would certainly not continue my love making while talking to my
mother! That would be sick.
Oh! I almost forgot about the extensive use of the word "bravo"...(with a hyphenation on the "a")
for example:
A: how old are you?
B: 20 years old
A: Walla bravo !
I can't imagine how hard it was... (there should be a sarcasm font in windows)
p.s. Mom if you are reading this; me not picking up the phone doesn’t mean I am having sex.
